the jonin exams
by tiddarifka
Summary: MY version of 'Iruka is secretly a hunter nin', give it a chance please.
1. Chapter 1

The Jonin re-evaltion exam

Dear Ibiki San

It is I your faithful servant Riffka of the security unit here; with more juicy gossip to comfort you in your isolation. (How did 'you' get chicken pox any way?) Dramatic music just kidding Sir.

The time – Last Thursday

The Place – The Maze training Arena

The event – THE JONIN RE-EVALATION EXAMS

The People – Jonin versus Hunter and ABNU

Da ta Da DAaaaa

OK first up, since the unpleasant event of Asuma sans death, our esteemed leaders (the Hokage and council) have determined that all senior ninja's needed to be re examined the Abnu and Hunter ninja especially.

Having said this it was decide to have a Jonin and Abnu vs Hunter nin competition.

Why? The council is convinced that complete shake up is needed. That all senior staff needs to be re considered for the ranks that they hold. (The fact that the hokage has gambling debts to pay to other council members and this is a supreme opportunity to recoup some loses has nothing to do with it.)

Of course this has made all the Jonin rather nervous and gossipy. The biggest speculation is who is going to face off against the hunter nin known as 'number 1' officially and that 'dam bastard' unofficially.

Ah yes the memories of yesteryear when he went up against both Kuanri and Gai sans and extracted penalties when he won, BUT you weren't there for those were you. (Mr. I don't get sick with childhood illnesess but caught the measles anyway.)

Recap, Kuanri was told she had to _**Kiss**_ Asuma on the mouth, in public, every day for a month, because No.1 was sick of watching them pussyfoot around each other. Then No. 1 claimed a full on kiss from Kuanri, in front of Asuma on top of that. Say what you will, it worked and they had more than a few good years together because of it.

As for Gai san, he ended up with an illusion jitsu that released the sound of trouser seams splitting every time he struck one of his poises. Only the sound though, so he was constantly covering his rear with his hands for most of the day until he got use to it. Then at the end of the day his trouser seams really did split when he poised but without a sound so he was walking around the rest of the evening, with his underwear showing without knowing it. (Ordinary white boxers if you must know).

With these and other tales to CHILL the blood all senior ninja watched with trepidation at the random selection balls as they were drawn and matched with out bias. (hee, hee)

Ta tar a tar a, (trumpet fan-fair) No.1 hunter Nin's first victim, I mean opponent is Kakashi. Now I'm going to torture you a little bit until my next letter Ibki san.

Yours sincerely

Riffka san


	2. Chapter 2

The Jonin exams chapter 2

All writing this size is said under your breath.

Greetings my beloved leader,

Alright, alright you don't have CHICKENPOX, you have SHINGLES (the adult version of chickenpox), and you would like your report delivered in a normal manner on paper. No Music, no jokes and no gossip, just the facts. You really are boring aren't you; I mean you spend so much time bending both friend and foe to your will that you have lost all sense of fun.

Your report Sir.

Time:Yesterday

Place:The Maze

Event: Kakashi vs NO.1

As you know the maze is an open roofed complex made of stone with multiple entries, exits and booby traps. There is a clear area in the centre with further traps and hidden resources that change every exam and mimic a variety of situations. These exams, the theme seems to be hide and seek in a war zone village.

All non participating staff, (the Hokage, Elders, bodyguards, medics and bookmakers) myself included, gathered on the viewing platform, produced binoculars etc. and watched Kakashi make a slouching but still dignified entrance from the west while NO. 1 was flung over the eastern wall by his comrades( No, I don't know why).

It took Kakashi about 5 min.s to reach the centre, setting off various traps along the way. No. 1 took 2 min.s and was waiting for him in the village.

A total of 15 min.s later it was all over.

The confrontation started when No.1 nailed Kakashi with a glue attack to the face thus preventing him from lifting his head band and using his sharagin eye, but Kakashi managed to dodge the next few attacks. No.1 by then had disappeared into the village buildings.

Kakashi recovered and went on the offensive using flash tags to flush No.1 out, who then appeared to be attacking but really just used it as a cover to disappear again. Kakashi having had no luck removing the glue, summoned his dogs and proceeded to chase No.1 until he was cornered in a section of the village with a chakra trap that confined its prisoner with in its boundaries.

Kakashi then also entered the trap for a final one on one duel.

No.1 promptly disappeared, then reappeared right inside Kakashi's reach and stabbed him with a stun jitsu that flattened him. No.1 then did the token placing of a kuni on Kakashi's neck in a kill positon. This means that Kakashi had just been symbolic killed as he lay stunned.

No.1 then proved once again proved what a bastard he was. First he paralyzed Kakashi, and then turned his back to hide the hand symbols for his next jitsu. A bright neon pink light surrounded him and then retracted into a glowing ball in his hands as he turned back.

No. 1 then stood over Kakashi, he paused a while to gloat and winked at the Nin dogs before hitting him in the chest with it .Nothing happened at first, then slight tremors spread throughout Kakashi's body, these grew in volume until his entire body was convulsing.

This was rather alarming to watch and the medics were about to move in when laughter erupted from kakashi's mouth. He continued to writhe on the ground giggerlying, snickering and outright laughing for 5 full minutes.

After which he lay there quite exhausted but contented as his Nin dogs curled up next to him. (Did I mention that they were lying in a sunny spot at the time?) Now the medics went to retrieve them but the dogs wouldn't let them touch Kakashi, Pakkun was particularly vicious saying that this was the most relaxed his master had been in ages and he's have a limb off the first person to disturb him.

No.1 in the mean time had disappeared as a good hunter should, the Hokage was paying off her bets and Shizume was arranging for lunch to be served while the maze was reset to avoid Kakashi as he obviously wasn't moving any time soon.

This concludes my report; further details will have to wait until you get around to personal interviews. (You know when you grab unsuspecting ninja off the street and scare the whatsits out of them).

Yours sincerely

Riffka


	3. Chapter 3

This is done in Kakashi's POV so don't expect any lengthy descriptions. Also if it's in **Bold** Kakashi has spoken aloud.

The Jonin Exams

Kakashi's POV.

Ahh what a beautiful day! Perfect for beating that bastards head in, what could spoil it? A good nights sleep, a lazy breakfast, a gentle stroll, no students and perfect weather.

I even managed to get Ibiki on the sick list and out of his office, so I could sneak a peek at the basic exam plans. Probably a few false leads there, misinformation etc. What am I here already?

Yep there's Gai coming out of the maze….. ooooh poor hunter nin No. 3 overcome by 'YOUTHFUL' speeches from the way he's clutching his ears and Gai wonders why I never listen to him, on second thoughts he probably doesn't.

Only Jonin I know who doesn't know sarcasm or irony when it's dangled in front of his nose.

' **Yo Asuma when's my show'**.

What do you mean I'm early, you started this lot at 6 am and its 12 noon now, never mind where's the book maker I want to see my odds, ahh , oh, hmm, so I'm even with No.1 that's a surprise last time I was up by 20 points.

I smell food and it's not ramen I'll just follow my nose ahh it's the portable kitchen for the big wigs. Can I, no, too much security for petty thieving, not with out an effort I might need later.

Just leave it, Gai's up there now, so obviously their going to feed us after our matches, huh what's that oh, it's my turn. Which gate? Well according to my information the west only has a guillotine blade and a nasty pit trap so I'll enter from there.

Shut up Gemma I'll take as much time as I need, you oral fixated, long haired, peacock vain excuse for a person,…. note to self find out a genuine fault of Gemma's that isn't petty so I don't feel small when I insult him.

Slut maybe, no he's in a stable relationship ------ Shtttt, two blades, No Pitfall, misinformation damm it, run, RUN, **RUN**, jump, dodge, YIKES, EEEK, snakes who put snakes in here, damm it Anko,…. false wall, false floor, tall grass. No! Full of sharpen stakes,…. **BOMB!!!! **

No! The blast is sending me into the grass, saved yes, no,….. Pit fall, **crocodile, **where did they get a crocodile?

Whufff !! I'm safe, I'm safe in the centre,….. Now where's that bastard hiding.

There! Sneaky bastard he's gone again. OK lets get this over and done with quickly. I'll just ……. What the !! He got me. What is this stuff? It's not harming me in any way, no it's glue, I can't use my sharinggan if I can't lift my head band. Whoops! Those are fast moves, dam it he's gone again.

OK I can't use my eye so lets make No.1 uncomfortable, he likes to hide in shadows so how about we get rid of them, I love flash tags their so pretty when they blow up under the enemy. Gotcha!! Where did he go? EEEk ! Did he just pinch me. That's it I'm not playing any more!!!

Pakkun get out here!!!


	4. Chapter 4

OK I can't use my eye so lets make No.1 uncomfortable, he likes to hide in shadows so how about we get rid of them, I love flash tags their so pretty when they blow up under the enemy. Gotcha!! Where did he go? EEEk ! Did he just pinch me. That's it I'm not playing any more!!!

Pakkun get out here!!!

OK Pakkun, you and you go that way, you, you and you go that way, everyone else with me. First one to land a bite that draws blood gets a doggie treat!! Don't you smirk at me Pakkun.

Go left, Go right, the window, that's right climb that tower it goes no where. Shiiiiiiit! That was a leap and a half, where to? Aha! There's a bit of accurate info, the chakra trap. Pakkun manovour no. 8 over there.

Good boy, good dogs. Now who's stuck in place you bastard. I'm just going to stand here and slouch at you. Now, now don't scowl at me, I'm just better that you.

Now if I step here, here and here the trap stays intact but I don't get caught. Hehe now here I come with love tap that has completely no love in it at all. Shame we are on the same side, I really feel like I could enjoy beating you to death…WHAT! He got me he got me, I can't move.

You bastard what did you do to me? That's right, place the token Kuni on my neck. What, what are you doing, those are long term paralyzing pressure points.

Alright you bastard do your worst I don't crack for the enemy and I won't crack for you. Pakkun stop sitting there and bite him damm it! Why are you smirking. What do you mean steak and an improvement in my mental health. No 1 what have you done to my dogs?

What are you doing? Why are you glowing pink? No,no,no, not that dumb Jitsu of Naruto's I am not a girl and I do the perverting not the other way round! No,no,no,no.

Wait! I'm not a girl! He,he no, he's hehee, done something else heheheheheheh, no I won't laugh, oh god it's worse than feathers, hhehehe no, I will keep a straight face OH GOD! Heheheheheheh ……hahahahhehehehahahahah… I can control myself, oh it hurts! NONONONONo I will not laugh. AHHHHHHHhehehehehehehehehhehe hehehhehehhahahahhahahhahherhhehhwhhwhwhwhhhAHhHHHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEHEHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHHHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHHEHHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHHEHEHHEHEHHHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHHAHEHEHWHAHWSHAHWHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEHEHEHHEHEHHHhehehehehehhehehhahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahhahheehhehehehehheehhe..hehehehhehe..heheheh..heheheh,…ahahahahh.hehehehe….heheh..hehehh.

Oh god I'm tired so tired, I can't sleep if I sleep I fail. Hmm? Oh Pakkun your still here, No 1 what do you mean it's all right, stop stroking my face…… it feels nice. No! Don't want sleep, must not sleep, keep village safe, stop stoking me No1, I don't want to sleep!!! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Dam….. you…. No1… you …..Bastard zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.


End file.
